Best Musician Jokes

[Nika]

Just for something new, who's got some good ones? I'll start with one I got this morning from David Klausner:

Three men die in a plane crash and are waiting to enter heaven.
St. Peter asks the first man, "What did you do on Earth?"
Man #1: I was a doctor.
St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates.

St. P.: And what did you do on Earth?
Man #2: I was a school teacher.
St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates.

St. P.: And what did you do on Earth?
Man #3: I was a musician.
St. P.: Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the
kitchen...




Who's next? Keep 'em tasteful.

[Nika]

Got this one from Jazz Pianist Doug Robinson today:

"So the drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, marched into the store and
said "I want to change my life--sell me a trumpet!" The man behind the
counter looked at him for a moment and said "You must be a drummer, right?"
The drummer was stunned. "How could you possibly know that?" The man replied
"Sir, this is a pet store..."

[Nika]

A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance of
Schubert's Unfinished Symphony.


Since she was unable to go, she gave the ticket to one of her managed care
reviewers.** The next morning she
asked him how he had enjoyed it.


Instead of a few observations about the symphony in general, she was handed a
formal memorandum which read as follows:


1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their
number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra,
avoiding peaks of inactivity.


2. All 12 violins were playing identical notes. This seems an unneeded
duplication, and the staff of this section should be cut. If a volume of
sound is really required, this could be accomplished with the use of an
amplifier.


3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This appears to be an
excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes be rounded up to
the nearest 8th note. If this were done it would be possible to use
paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians.


4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has
already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were
eliminated then the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.


5. The symphony had two movements. If Mr. Schubert didn't achieve his musical
goals by the end of the first movement, then he should have stopped there.
The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut.


In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Mr. Schubert given
attention to these matters, he probably would have had time to finish the
symphony.

[Coerce]

OK, this is an old one that's been going around recently and slightly modified.

A bass player, a guitarist and a drummer are applying for the job of studio intern. The office manager interviews them one at a time.

The bass player is first and is an excellent interview. One last question the office manager always asks just to see what kind of answer she will get:

OM: How many D's are there in Indiana Jones?

Bass player thinks and says 'One'.

OM: Great. I will get back with you.

The guitarist comes in and has an equally good interview. Same question is asked to close out the interview.

OM: How many D's are there in Indiana Jones?

Guit: One.

OM: Great. I will get back with you.

The drummer comes in and again the process is repeated:

OM: How many D's in Indiana Jones?

The drummer strains his face and begins to count out loud. 'One, two, three...six, no eight...can I borrow your calculator?'

The OM is confounded but complies. The drummer finally says 'Thirty two".

Office Manager asks how he came up with 'thirty two'?

The drummer then says out loud....

'da-da-da-da...da-da-da.....da-da-da-da...da-da-da-da-da-''
(singing the theme song to Indiana Jones)



I never said it was great....

[recordingpro]

Q:
How does a lead singer change a light bulb?

A:
They just hang on to it and the world revolves around them!



ok...so it's not very funny, but it's pretty true :)

[Shadrow]

Here's one for you guys... probably old and dated... but oh well...

How many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

four..... one to actually screw it in and three to say that they could do it better....

[Scott Gould]

OK, a few off the top of my head:

What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A) If you throw the banjo at the dumpster and it lands on the accordion.

Two drummers walk into a bar... you'd think the second one would have noticed.

Q) What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A) On and off.

When a drummer loses a girlfriend, a band loses a rehersal space.

Definition of a quarter-tone: 2 oboists playing in unison.

What happens when the lead singer shows up at your door?
S/he doesn't have the right key, and doesn't know when to come in.


I'll try to remember some better ones for next time...
Scott :D

[SRB]

Q: What's the difference between a guitarist and a mutual fund?

A: A mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.

regards,

srb

[pdlstl]

How can you tell when a banjo player's knocking at the door?

Keeps getting louder and doesn't know when to come in.

Earl

[blacko3788]

A weekend warrior drummer calls into work at the music store. "I'm sick and I can't make it in". he tells his boss. The boss says "I'll tell you what I do when I'm sick and don't feel like working, I get some nookie from my wife and then I feel good enough to work 16 hours.
Later that morning the drummer comes in with a smile. The boss looks at him and said, "I thought you were too sick to work". The drummer said, "I took your advise....and by the way, you have a really nice house".

[czar-of-dogbar]

Why did God create Beer? .......To keep musicians from taking over the world. yeah baby.......

[cuzinit]

The band is up on stage, the gig is going great, and thoughts are running through each members head at an alarming rate!!!

Guitarist: "I'm having such a good time. And with all of this money that we're making, I can afford to buy another guitar and rig from Sweetwater!!"

Drummer: "This is so cool. Sitting back, having a great time, and keeping the band together only like a drummer can. With all of this attention, I'll be able to get all of the ladies a man could desire!!"

Singer: "Look at all of these people that come to hear what I have to say. They worship me and with the amount of money that we are making off of this gig, I will be able to continue my designer drug habit!!"

Bassist: D.... A.....uhhhh.... G.........B....

[mr.x]

how can you tell if a drummer is calling you on the phone...
the ring slows down and speeds up.

how many acustic musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb...
only one ,but a dozen more will stand around bitching that it's electric

and lastly

what is the difference between an audio engineer,and a toilet...
the toilet only has to take **** from one asshole at a time
mr.x

[Justin]

Another one I overheard here at Sweetwater:

Q: How do you get a professional trombone player off of your porch?

A: Pay him for the pizza.

[JeffBarnett]

What's the best technique for mic'ing bagpipes?

Plase a stereo pair of microphones over the piper's right shoulder. Have him march as he plays, heading away from the mics in a straight line. Once he has been marching for 30 minutes, turn on the microphones.

[flattop100]

As an aside, how about setting up a seperate forum section for jokes and studio/road stories?

EDIT: By the way, as a bass trombone player, I resemble those jokes. Err, resent. I RESENT those jokes. ;)

[Scott Gould]

So, what do you call the pretty girl on the trombonist's arm?





















A tattoo!!!:banana:

[JimF]

The guitarist and drummer from a metal band are in a fight, and the singer rushes in and breaks it up.

"What on earth has got you guys fighting so fiercely?!"

Drummer - "He threw my drumsticks out the window!"

The guitarist yelled back - "Yea, well he turned one of my tuning pegs while I wasn't looking, and now he won't tell me which one!"

[Guitar God]

How do they balance drum kits on stage?
--Make sure the drool runs out of both sides of his mouth....

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
--Homeless!!!

"Sounds like Mariah Carey caught in a bear trap!"

CAA

[offroadaudio]

What's the difference between an Audio Engineer and God?

God doesn't think he's an Audio Engineer.

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

[Doc]

What do you call a trombonist with a pager?











An optimist.

[robertallen1977]

Nika rocks!

[audiodragon]

What's the difference between a recording engineer and a toilet?

The toilet only has to deal with one asshole at a time.

[jas]

Mr. Oppotknockity is a supurb piano tuner. He has spent more than 30 years honing his craft and has made quite a reputation for himself.

He got a call from a guy who had just bought a new grand piano and requested Mr. Opporknockity to come and tune it. Mr. Opporknockity spent more than 3 hours tuning the grand piano to perfection, collected his fee and left.

A couple of days later, the customer calls Mr. Opporknockity and informs him that the piano is not in tune. The customer demads Mr. Opporknockity to return and re-tune the piano. To which Mr. Opporknockity replied, Opporknockity only tunes once.

[chromaticdescent]

Go to www.ironmaiden.com for an extensive list of drummer jokes written by Nico McBrain. Most of them are pretty bad, but you'll get a chuckle out of some.

[Dan Shay]

A group of Americans are on a safari in Africa. A while after sundown, drums are heard ominously beating in the distance. The Americans rush to the guides tent and nervously ask what's going on. With a reassuring look the guide says nothings to worry.

After a while the drums get louder, and again, the group gets nervous and asks if everything is ok. Again the guide reassures them.

The drums get even louder, and it is obvious that the drumming party has come close by, and the group gets very nervous. As the go to question the guide, the drumming stops, and all of the sudden the guide starts sweating and gets frantic. This upsets the group, and they implore why he is so worried.

He says " oh no, now come viola solo!"

[Killergroover]

How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None...they have machines that do that now.